Three Husbands' Attitudes Towards Leftovers:

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

What Is Your Hand?

Billy Graham tells the story about a little child was playing with a very valuable vase. He put his hand into it and could not withdraw it.

His father too, tried his best to get it out, to no avail.

They were thinking of breaking the vase when the father said, "Now my son, make one more try. Open your hand and hold your fingers out straight as you see me doing, and then pull."

To their astonishment the little fellow said, "Oh no, dad, I couldn't put my fingers out like that because if I did I would drop my dime."

Smile, if you will but thousands of us are like that little boy, so busy holding on to the world's worthless dimes that we cannot accept liberation.

Drop the trifles in your life.Surrender! Let go, and let God have His way in your life.

Getting All The Air Out Of The Glass

Speaking to a large audience, D.L. Moody held up a glass and asked, "How can I get the air out of this glass?"

One man shouted, "Suck it out with a pump!" 

Moody replied,"That would create a vacuum and shatter the glass."

After numerous other suggestions Moody smiled, picked up a pitcher of water, and filled the glass. "There," he said, "all the air is now removed."

He then went on to explain that victory in the Christian life is not accomplished by "sucking out a sin here and there," but by being filled with the Holy Spirit.

The point is, unless you're filled with the Holy Spirit, you'll continue to struggle with sins.

Missionary and Toast

A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"

Honesty and Conscience

Honesty and Conscience

It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:

"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I'd be up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."

Three Cigars

By Ron White

It was September 1862 and the fate of a nation was about to turn on three cigars serendipitously stumbled upon by a Union soldier, Sergeant Bloss. The stage was the Civil War, and the scene was that of a recently vacated rebel campfire. Bloss spotted an envelope with three cigars in it and was proud of his treasure. As there was a scamper to find a match to light the cigars, a piece of paper wrapped with the bounty was noticed. It was a find that would alter the course of the war.

The paper contained General Robert E. Lee’s battle plans and they had just fallen into his enemy’s fortunate hands. Lee’s soldiers were just coming off a victory at the second Battle of Bull Run and they needed to do two things. First, they had to keep the Union off balance. Second, they had to resupply their own forces. The scenario called for a daring move—just the kind of courage that made General Robert E. Lee famous more than a century after his death. His plan was to temporarily split his forces in an effort to pick up stragglers around the country as reinforcements and then reconvene for a bold move on the heart of the enemy at Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington.

When the note was carried to General George McClellan, Commander-in-Chief of the Union Army, it was obvious what he was holding. If the note had not been found, Lee would have had a clear run to resupply and the war would have been over in weeks, if not days. Yet, because of this find, General McClellan also had an opportunity to end the war within days. With the knowledge that Lee had split his forces, McClellan could ambush each wing, divide the enemy and destroy them at his leisure. The war would still be over in days, yet now it would be a Union victory.

So what did McClellan do? As remarkable as it seems, he hesitated and did nothing. He performed no reconnaissance and issued no orders, and not a single one of his commanders dared tell him to do so. The forces did meet in a battle that headed off Lee’s resupply mission, and that battle was known as Antietam. The battle was a draw and the war continued for another four bloody years.

One hundred and forty years after this battle, we can look back and scoff at General McClellan’s inaction. How could someone hold the roadmap to success in his hands and fail to act? How could someone in a leadership position lack the courage to be bold? Knowing success was inevitable, how could nothing be done?

While it is true that General McClellan was ultimately replaced by a leader who was decisive and courageous (General Grant), we can learn a lot from McClellan.

You see, you also have three cigars in your hands with your enemy’s battle plans. The enemy is not foreign forces, instead the enemy is you. These battle plans tell you that you will win the war of success if you:


Educate yourself
Act decisively
Abandon the something for nothing mentality and work hard
Refuse the victim mindset and take responsibility for your life and success



You also hold the battle plans in your hands that will ensure your success. Yet, many, just as General George McClellan, will look at these orders and do nothing. Too many will not act. Too many will lack the courage and decisiveness to take responsibility for their success and instead lead lives of quiet desperation.

Read these battle orders LOUD and CLEAR—your success is GUARANTEED if you will only be determined to educate yourself, work hard, take responsibility and act!

The battle for success in life is in your hands. You have found it rolled with these metaphorical cigars. Success is not the elusive mystery that so many believe. It is the product of decisive actions, a lot of hard work and accepting responsibility for your life.


There you have it. You have the battle plans in front of you to ensure success. Now, what will you do? Will you hesitate and do nothing as General McClellan did? Or will you seize this opportunity to defeat the enemy and guarantee success for yourself?

The enemy is moving. There is no time to waste. You have the battle plans. March forth!

The Barber's Fault?

A preacher and an atheistic barber were once walking through the city slums.

Said the barber to the preacher: "This is why I cannot believe in a God of love. If God was as kind and loving as you say, He would not permit all this poverty, disease, and squalor. He would not allow these poor bums to be addicted to dope and other character-destroying habits. No, I cannot believe in a God who permits these things."

The minister was silent until they met a man who was especially unkept and filthy. His hair was hanging down his neck and he had a half-inch of stubble on his face.

Said the minister: "You can't be a very good barber or you wouldn't permit a man like that to continue living in this neighborhood without a haircut and a shave."

Indignantly the barber answered: "Why blame me for that man's condition? I can't help it that he is like that. He has never come in my shop. I could fix him up and make him look like a gentleman!"

Giving the barber a penetrating look, the minister said: "Then don't blame God for allowing the people to continue in their evil ways, when He is constantly inviting them to come and be saved."

Truth be told, God can't change you unless you step forward and ask God to help you change for the better.

English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Movies

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong.

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

* Gun wounds again?

* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

* I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

* I will surround their house by myself.

* You daring lousy guy.

* Beat him out of recognizable shape!

* I have been scared silly too much lately.

* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

* The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

* Both of you will die when the sun hits the bell.

* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Would You Swap Places With This Rich Guy?

A young man named Steve Walker walked into Zig Ziglar's office years ago. A friend of his had flown him down from Toronto because he wanted Steve to see Zig. He thought Steve needed a change.

Turns out Steve left for work at six in the morning, and he got home every night between ten and eleven. That was six days a week. On Sundays he was so exhausted he slept all day.

He had no family life. He was so tired he had run off the road two or three times driving back and forth the 20 or 30 miles he had to go to his job. His wife was threatening to divorce him. Everything in this guy's life was falling apart - the whole nine yards.

Steve's friend had forewarned Zig of all this, and when Zig met with Steve, he discovered his boss was the person he looked up to the most.

"Why is that?" Zig asked him.

"Most successful man I've ever seen."

"Okay,” Zig said, "let's look at your boss. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to give your boss a plus or a minus grade on all the questions I'm going to ask you."

"Okay."

He asked, "Steve, how happy is your boss?"

Steve thought a minute. "I never really thought about it until now, but I don't think he's happy at all."

"Well, we'll give him a minus on that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Why do you say you don't think he's happy?"

"Well, uh, number one, I've never heard him laugh. He seldom smiles, and besides that he has ulcers."

"Well, let's see now, that tells me something about his health. Do we give him a plus or minus on that?"

"Oh, that looks like a minus."

Zig said, "If he's got ulcers, that tells me something about his peace of mind. Do we give him a plus or a minus?"

"I'd say another minus."

"Okay," Zig continued. "How prosperous is your boss?"

He said, "Man, he's got money running out of his ears. That's why he's my role model."

"I guess we give him a big old plus on that one."

"Absolutely!" said Steve.

Zig said, "How secure is he?"

"Well, he's as secure as money can make you."

"We had some billionaire brothers here in Dallas who went bankrupt. How does your boss compare?"

"He doesn't have that kind of money."

"We had an industrialist here who was worth half a billion. Does he have that kind of money?"

"No way."

"We had another one, a former governor worth a hundred million at one time. He's bankrupt. How does your boss compare?"

Steve said, "Oh, man, he doesn't have that kind of money."

"Well, I don't want to give him a plus, I don't want to give him a minus. What about a question mark? Would that be fair?"

"I never thought I would say this," he said, "but that would be more than fair."

"How many friends does your boss have?"

Steve pondered for a moment. "Really, I don't think he has any. I'm not his friend; I just admire him because he's so successful. To tell you the truth, the guy's somewhat of a jerk."

"Well, we're sure going to give him a minus on that, aren't we?"

He sighed, "Once again, yes."

Zig said, "Tell me about his family."

"Well, his wife's divorcing him."

"Then we have to give him a minus for that."

"Yes we do. I can't believe it! He's getting a minus on everything."

"How much hope does he have for the future?"

"Well, before I started talking to you, I thought he had lots. But now I don't think he has any real hope."

"Well," Zig said, "another minus."

"Yep."

"Steve, let me ask you a question. Of the eight things everybody wants, your boss gets a minus on six, a plus on one, and a question mark on one. Knowing what you know, would you swap places with him?"

Surrounded But Undefeated!

As believers in Jesus Christ, we are engaged in spiritual warfare with unseen wicked forces. To overcome our enemy in the power of the Holy Spirit, we must remain resolute in our confidence in God and determine never to accept defeat.

A story from the Korean War illustrates this attitude. As enemy forces advanced, Baker Company was cut off from the rest of their unit. 

For several hours no word was heard, even though headquarters repeatedly tried to communicate with the missing troops. Finally a faint signal was received. Straining to hear, the corpsman asked, "Baker Company, do you read me?" 

"This is Baker Company," came the reply. 

"What is your situation?" asked the corpsman. 

"The enemy is to the east of us, the enemy is to the west of us, the enemy is to the north of us, the enemy is to the south of us." 

Then after a brief pause, the sergeant from Baker Company said with determination, "The enemy is not going to get away from us now!" 

Although surrounded and outnumbered, he was thinking of victory, not defeat. (Our Daily Bread)

If You Don’t Love This Smell, I Can’t Use You

Reverend Jim Cymbala

Jim Cymbala preaches at a church in the slums of New York. He tells the following story: 

It was Easter Sunday and I was so tired at the end of the day that I just went to the edge of the platform, pulled down my tie and sat down and draped my feet over the edge. It was a wonderful service with many people coming forward. The counselors were talking with these people.

As I was sitting there, I looked up the middle aisle, and there in about the third row was a man who looked about fifty, disheveled, filthy. He looked up at me rather sheepishly, as if saying, “Could I talk to you?” We have homeless people coming in all the time, asking for money or whatever. So as I sat there, I said to myself, though I am ashamed of it, “What a way to end a Sunday. I’ve had such a good time, preaching and ministering, and here’s a fellow probably wanting some money for more wine.”

He walked up. When he got within about five feet of me, I smelled a horrible smell like I’d never smelled in my life. It was so awful that when he got close, I would inhale by looking away, and then I’d talk to him, and then look away to inhale, because I couldn’t inhale facing him.

I asked him, “What’s your name?” “David.” “How long have you been on the street?” “Six years.” “How old are you?” “Thirty-two.” He looked fifty—hair matted, front teeth missing, wino, eyes slightly glazed. “Where did you sleep last night, David?” “Abandoned truck.”

I keep in my back pocket a money clip that also holds some credit cards. I fumbled to pick one out thinking, I’ll give him some money. I won’t even get a volunteer. They are all busy talking with others.Usually we don’t give money to people; we take them to get something to eat. I took the money out. David pushed his finger in front of me. He said, “I don’t want your money. I want this Jesus, the One you were talking about, because I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die on the street.”

I completely forgot about David, and I started to weep for myself. I was going to give a couple of dollars to someone God had sent to me. See how easy it is? I could make the excuse I was tired. There is no excuse. I was not seeing him the way God sees him. I was not feeling what God feels.

But oh, did that change! David just stood there. He didn’t know what was happening. I pleaded with God, “God, forgive me! Forgive me! Please forgive me. I am so sorry to represent You this way. I’m so sorry. Here I am with my message and my points, and You send somebody and I am not ready for it. Oh, God!”

Something came over me. Suddenly I started to weep deeper, and David began to weep. He fell against my chest as I was sitting there. He fell against my white shirt and tie, and I put my arms around him, and there we wept on each other. The smell of His person became a beautiful aroma. Here is what I thought the Lord made real to me: If you don’t love this smell, I can’t use you, because this is why I called you where you are. This is what you are about. You are about this smell.

Christ changed David’s life. He started memorizing portions of Scripture that were incredible. We got him a place to live. We hired him in the church to do maintenance, and we got his teeth fixed. He was a handsome man when he came out of the hospital. They detoxed him in 6 days.

He spent that Thanksgiving at my house. He also spent Christmas at my house. When we were exchanging presents, he pulled out a little thing, and he said, “This is for you.” It was a little white hanky. It was the only thing he could afford.

A year later, David got up and talked about his conversion to Christ. The minute he took the mic and began to speak, I said, “The man is a preacher.” This past Easter, we ordained David. He is an associate minister of a church over in New Jersey.

And I was so close to saying, “Here, take this; I’m a busy preacher.” We can get so full of ourselves.

Contributed by Davon Huss

Get Off The Nail

Get Off the Nail! 

by Jerry Clark

Over the years I have met and observed thousands of people and each and every last one of them say they want some improvement in certain areas of their lives. In fact, most of them flat out confessed that they hated certain situations they were in. But after further evaluations, I discovered that they weren't willing to do anything about it. It seemed to be good enough for them to just sit there and wallow in their pain, anguish and misery.

Several years ago, motivational speaker Les Brown and I were chatting after we had both conducted trainings for a Network Marketing Company. We were talking about the number of people who say they want to make changes but don't seem to ever do anything about it. I told him it reminded me of a story I heard him tell an audience over 10 years ago. Here's how the story goes…

One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walked passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well, this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds.

The man was curious as to why this dog wasn 't barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn't figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn't figure it out. Well, he walked passed for an entire week and every day the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally, the guy got fed up, he said, "Let me find out what's going on." So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, "Yes, how may I help you?"

He said, "Sir, is this your dog? "

"Yes, that's my dog. "

"Well, what's wrong with him?"

The owner of the dog said, "What do you mean?"

"Well, he's been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?"

The owner said, "Well, he's actually sitting on a nail." And the guy said, "What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn't he get off?"

"Well, it just doesn't hurt him enough."

Wow! You know most people are like that dog sitting on a nail. I mean, sure, they would like to get off the nail, but what if they got off the nail and they died or something?

They never seem to stop to consider that maybe they would be healed, maybe they would be free, maybe they would be able to move about and discover some new and exciting options for their lives. But, nope! Instead, they just sit there on that nail because they're not sure what's going to happen if they get off.

I mean, there are no guarantees of safety so to speak. Even though, it's not the best feeling in the world, sitting on a nail, I mean, it's not comfortable sitting on a nail, it kind of hurts, but at least they know what to expect. They know that they have $900 per week coming in so they can pay their bills and put food on the table and they can put some clothes on their back and a roof over their heads. You know, that's enough for most people.

They may even get upset with you if you question their so called security, I mean, if you hand them a book or tape program or tell them about a seminar that can give them some effective strategies for getting off nails, they may resent you for it.

Well, you're different. You are willing to learn some effective nail removing strategies that could set you free because you and I both know that there is no such thing as security.

Well, maybe I should take that back. I do know of a place where security exists on this planet. It's called the graveyard. And you know what, most people tip toe through life so that they can arrive at the graveyard safely. Of course this will not be you… Right?

That's right. Simply because, instead of moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining about not getting the results you desire, you are a Developing Charging Rhino! And Rhinos always choose to GET OFF THE NAIL and create the conditions they desire.

Coffee In Bed

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

Stolen Turkey

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Who Shot The Buck?

WARNING:This joke may not be suitable for those who are not hunters. 

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Thanks to Pastor Cheng Lip Kiong for sharing this joke on FB.

The Special Seeds

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do Something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO."

A man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothingJim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - he so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened.

Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room.

When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful - in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives. Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified.. He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed, Jim told him the story. The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "This is your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!" Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.

"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.

Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today.

But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you.

Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

*If you plant honesty, you will reap trust* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective* If
you plant hard work, you will reap success* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation*

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

(Thanks to Rev Gideon Lee for sharing this story on Facebook)

Excuse For Having A Bad Temper

Evangelist Billy Sunday

Around the turn of the century, the Church was graced with an array of great preachers, but none were more tenacious and outspoken than Billy Sunday. He seemed to have a way of driving home a point. 

It is said that a woman once approached him after one of his meetings who was well known for her bad temper. She sought to defend her actions by saying: “But Mr. Sunday, although I blow up over the least little thing, it’s all over in a minute.”

The evangelist looked her straight in the eye and said, “So is a shotgun blast! It’s over in seconds, too, but look at the terrible damage it can do.”

One Stormy Night

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Jesus Is Gonna Win!

Vernon Grounds writes, "A friend told me of an incident that happened while he was in seminary.

Since the school had no gymnasium, he and his friends played basketball in a nearby public school.

Nearby, an elderly janitor waited patiently until the finished playing. Invariably he sat there reading his Bible.

One day my friend asked him what he was reading. The man answered, 'The book of Revelation.' Surprised, my friend asked if he understood it. 'Oh, yes,' the man assured him. 'I understand it!' 'What does it mean?'

Quietly the janitor answered, 'It means that Jesus is gonna win.'"

Yes my friend, at the end Jesus will win.

Clergy Arrested For Playing Poker

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. One night, the sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then said aloud, "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest's actions and replied, "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, "With whom?"

The Farm Animals And The Mouse Trap

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. He was wondering what was in it. To his horror, the farmer had brought home a mouse trap. 
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house! There is a mouse trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house."

"I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap. Am I in grave danger, Duh?"

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night, a sound was heard throughout the house. It was like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup and so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

His wife's sickness continued and so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well. In fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral. The farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

"Do not forget to do good and to help one another, because these are the sacrifices that please God." - Hebrews 13:16

HYMNS FOR THE AGING

HYMNS FOR THE AGING

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers' Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)

Flight Captain's Announcement

A plane took off from Louisville International Airport, and when it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain started his announcements over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 254, nonstop from Louisville to Miami. The weather ahead is good and we expect a smooth and uneventful flight. So just sit back and relax - OH NOOOOOOOO!"

Silence followed for several minutes.

Finally the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for the earlier scare. While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Back in coach, a passenger said to the person next to him, "That's nothing! He should see the back of mine!"

Have You Opened Your Letter?

A pastor friend recently told the true story of one of his church members, an attorney, who after meditating on several scriptures, decided to cancel the debts of all his clients that had owed him money for more than 6 months.

He drafted a letter explaining his decision and its Biblical basis and sent 17 debt canceling letters via certified mail.

One by one, the letters began to return, unsigned and undelivered.

Perhaps a couple people had moved away though not likely.

16 of the 17 letters came back to him because the clients refused to sign for and open the envelopes fearing that this attorney was suing them for their debts.

How profound! We owe a debt for our sin and God is willing to cancel it but too many people will not even open the letter that explains that.

Are you guilty of not opening your Bible and reading enough of God's Word?

Hearing Aids For A Deaf Wife

A man was irritated by his wife’s refusal to admit her hearing problem. Speaking with his doctor one day he asked, "How can I get my wife to admit that she needs a hearing aid?"

"I’ll tell you what you need to do,” his doctor replied. When you get home peek your head through the door and ask, 'Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"If she doesn’t answer, go into the living room and say, 'Honey, what’s for dinner?' Then walk into the kitchen and ask, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"If she still doesn’t answer walk right up behind her and say, "Honey, what’s for dinner? Then you will be able to convince her that she needs a hearing aid.
"Great! I think that will work."

So he repeats the question as he goes through the house. No answer any of the times. 

Then he walked right up behind his wife and spoke directly into her ear. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

She turned around in a huff and resolutely replied, “For the fourth time, I said, "WE WERE HAVING SPAGHETTI!!!!"

Greetings That Will Kill You!

Greetings That Will Kill You!

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What on earth was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Twelve Reasons I Quit Attending Football Games—Or Did I Mean Church?

Twelve Reasons I Quit Attending Football Games—Or Did I Mean Church?

Is that the pastor raising his hands to praise God?

1. Every time I went, they asked me for money.

2. The people sitting next to me didn't seem very friendly.

3. The seats were too hard.

4. The coach (pastor) never came to call on me.

5. The referee (deacons) made a decision I disagreed with.

6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they came only to see what others were wearing.

7. Some of the games/services went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

8. The band (choir) did songs I didn't like.

9. The games/services were scheduled when I wanted to do other things.

10. My parents took me to too many games/churches when I was growing up.

11. Since I read a book about football (religion), I know more than the coaches (pastors) do anyhow.

12. I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport (religion) they like best.

God Paid $95 in Taxes

A little boy wanted $100 very badly. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. So, he decided to write a letter to God requesting $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA",they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill, and sat down to write a thank-you note to God. The postal authorities forwarded this letter on to the President, too.
It read:

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those guys deducted $95 in taxes!"

It's a funny story but what we can learn from this is...
...sometimes when God answers your prayer it will not be exactly as you wanted it to be.

But you just have to trust. Trust that God's answer to your prayer is the best for you.

When You Pray, You Believe In Miracles

If you believe in prayer, you believe in miracles. 

When you pray, you are requesting the supernatural intervention of God to come into a situation that would deteriorate without it. 

Nothing is natural any more... everything has become supra-natural. 

The power of God is now over that situation. Therefore, when you pray, you are asking for a miracle.

Rev Albert Kang

Pride Versus Obedience

Roger Staubach who led the Dallas Cowboys to the World Championship in '71 admitted that his position as a quarterback who didn't call his own signals was a source of trial for him.

Coach Landry sent in every play. He told Roger when to pass, when to run and only in emergency situations could he change the play (and he had better be right!).

Even though Roger considered coach Landry to have a "genius mind" when it came to football strategy, pride said that he should be able to run his own team.

Roger later said, "I faced up to the issue of obedience. Once I learned to obey there was harmony, fulfillment, and victory."

The point of the story is simple.

And that is in our relationship with God it requires full submission and obedience.

If God is convicting you to do something or to get rid of sins or habits...just do it.

Like in our story, once you learned to obey that's the only time you'll experience harmony, fulfillment, and victory in your life.

Don & Dawn

Reading the Bible with His Tongue

A man in Kansas City was severely injured in an explosion.
Evangelist Robert L. Sumner tells about him in his book The Wonders of the Word of God.

The victim's face was badly disfigured, and he lost his eyesight as well as both hands.

He was just a new Christian, and one of his greatest disappointments was that he could no longer read the Bible.

Then he heard about a lady in England who read Braille with her lips. Hoping to do the same, he sent for some books of the Bible in Braille.

Much to his dismay, however, he discovered that the nerve endings in his lips had been destroyed by the explosion.

One day, as he brought one of the Braille pages to his lips, his tongue happened to touch a few of the raised characters and he could feel them.

Like a flash he thought, I can read the Bible using my tongue. At the time Robert Sumner wrote his book, the man had "read" through the entire Bible four times.

How many of you can say you've read through the Bible four times--with two good eyes? This man had a craving--and even losing his eyesight wouldn't prevent him from reading God's Word

Behaving Like Bees May Not Be Good For You

Adaptability In Action

In a way, human beings behave like bees. If you place several bees in an open-ended bottle and lay the bottle on its side with the base toward a light source, the bees will repeatedly fly to the bottle bottom toward the light. It never occurs to them to reverse gears and try another direction. This is a combination of genetic programming and learned behavior.

Put a bunch of flies in that bottle and turn the base toward a bright light. Within a few minutes, all the flies will have found their way out. They try all directions – up, down, toward the light, away from the light, often bumping into the glass – but sooner or later they flutter forth into the neck of the bottle and out the opening.

We often allow ourselves to become locked in our present circumstances – even if we are unhappy and really want to be reaching in a new direction. What we’re doing may make us miserable, but at least it’s familiar. One of the most important factors in achieving personal success is the willingness to try things out, to experiment, to test new grounds. In fact, this is the only way to learn and progress: trial, error, feedback, knowledge, trial and success. It is a far better thing to try to succeed and fail, than to do nothing and succeed.

This week:

* Try it
* Change it
* Do it

Stop stewing and start doing!

Denis Waitley

Getting Air Out Of A Glass

Speaking to a large audience, D.L. Moody held up a glass and asked, "How can I get the air out of this glass?" 

One man shouted, "Suck it out with a pump!" Moody replied, "That would create a vacuum and shatter the glass." 

After numerous other suggestions Moody smiled, picked up a pitcher of water, and filled the glass. "There," he said, "all the air is now removed." 

He then went on to explain that victory in the Christian life is not accomplished by "sucking out a sin here and there," but by being filled with the Holy Spirit. 

The point is, unless you're filled with the Holy Spirit, you'll continue to struggle with sins. 

Don and Dawn

To Know the Heart of the Pilot

To Know the Heart of the Pilot

By MAX LUCADO

Three passengers share a row of seats in an airplane. As the plane is taxiing for takeoff, their conversation turns to the topic of the airplane pilot.

Stunningly, passenger “A” doesn’t believe one exists. “No one flies the plane. We are guided by a computer system in the terminal. This plane is an occupied drone.  Why should I believe otherwise? The cockpit door is closed. Who can know? There is no pilot.”

Passenger “B” disagrees. “Oh, there is a pilot. Someone sits at the controls of the plane. But, once we take off, he takes a nap. He gets the plane in the air and then goes to sleep.”

The third passenger is shocked by what she hears. “You don’t know what you are talking about. First, there is a pilot. Second, the pilot is alert, competent and kind. I know; he is my husband. He is seasoned and sensitive and has every intention of a successful flight. We are in good hands.”

Three passengers. Three opinions. A plane with no pilot. A plane with a disengaged pilot. A plane with a seasoned and concerned pilot. Fast forward a few minutes. Turbulence shakes the plane like popcorn in a paper bag. Will the three passengers experience the flight in the same way? Of the three travelers, which is most prone to stay calm?

Nothing is more important than the right view of God. Nothing. I’ve seen the wealthy and highly educated crumple like cowards at the face of death. I’ve seen the simple and humble take their final breath with a smile and a song. The difference? They knew the Pilot.

You need to know the heart of the pilot. That is why the story of Jesus is in the Bible. He is the only picture of God ever taken. To know Jesus, is to know God. To know God is to know: this flight gets bumpy, but the Pilot? He knows how to get us home.

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and four year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he sometimes had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four year old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Momma to eat your food from when I grow up." The four year old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no words were spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

---

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the message they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being laid for the child's future.

Let us be wise builders.

Remember The Alamo

Remember The Alamo!

I like Texas and Texans. In Texas, everything is bigger. When Texans win, they win big. And when they lose, it's spectacular.

If you really want to learn the attitude of how to handle risk, losing and failure, go to San Antonio and visit the Alamo. 

The Alamo is a great story of brave people who chose to fight, knowing there was no hope of success against overwhelming odds. They chose to die instead of surrendering. It's an inspiring story worthy of study; nonetheless, it's still a tragic military defeat. They got their butts kicked. A failure if you will. They lost. So how do Texans handle failure? They still shout, "Remember the Alamo!"

That's why I like Texans so much. They took a great failure and turned it into a tourist destination that makes them millions.

Texans don't bury their failures. They get inspired by them. They take their failures and turn them into rallying cries. Failure inspires Texans to become winners. But that formula is not just the formula for Texans. It is formula for all winners.

― Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Children About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Don't

Heaviest Burden

When it seems that God has allowed you to be weighted down with the heaviest burden, it is because He is already there underneath and bearing that burden with you. For it may be the only solitary moment that He can find to fellowship with you alone. 

Quotation by Rev Albert Kang

What Lies On The Other Side?

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, does not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened he sprang in without fear."

"I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing: I know my Master is there, and that is enough. And when the door opens, I will pass through it with gladness, but with no fear."

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen! (Heb. 11:1)

*Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer*

1.  Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2.  He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3.  And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4.  With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5.  Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6.  If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7.  Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8.  I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9.  If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10.  You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Are You Gonna Talk, or Are You Going to Fish?

Are You Gonna Talk, or Are You Going to Fish?

There was a man in a community that had the reputation for always being able to catch fish. 

Regardless of the time of the year it was, or whether anybody else was catching fish, this man was always managed to come back with a boat load of fish. 

His brother-in-law, who happened to be a Game Warden had always been amazed at the man's success. 

So, one morning the man agreed to take his brother in law fishing with him. They went to a lake that was known for its poor fishing. 

The game warden watched his brother-in-law take the boat out to the middle of the lake and cut the motor off. 

The game warden was confused as he noticed that his brother-in-law didn't worry about finding a ledge or brush-pile, or anything like that. 

Then instead of getting his rod and reel out, the game warden's brother-in-law pulled a stick of dynamite out of a sack, lit it, and threw it overboard. 

A few seconds later, there was a big BOOM, and almost immediately the surface of the lake was covered with stunned fish. 

The Game warden couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. 

He immediately began reciting the fishing laws and regulations to his brother-in-law. 

But this didn't seem to bother his brother in law in the least. He simply reached into the bag for another stick of dynamite, lit it, and tossed it to the game warden and said... 

..."You gonna talk, or you gonna fish?" The game warden noticed the fuse was almost to the end and He quickly decided to fish. 

Now that story probably isn't true, but it's still a good story. 

Unfortunately, I think God would like to throw some of us a stick of dynamite this morning and say, "Are you gonna talk, or are you going to fish?" 

See You In The Morning

Dr. W. A Criswell, Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Dallas Texas, said on one occasion on an airplane flight he found himself seated beside a well-known theologian. 


He desperately wanted to start a conversation and they did get to talk. The man told Dr. Criswell about how he had recently lost his little boy through death. 


Dr. Criswell listened as he told his story: He said he had come home from school with a fever and we thought it was just one of those childhood things, but it was a very virulent form of meningitis. The doctor said we cannot save your little boy. He'll die. 


And so this seminary professor, loving his son as he did, sat by the bedside to watch this death vigil. 


It was the middle of the day and the little boy whose strength was going from him and whose vision and brain was getting clouded said, "Daddy, it's getting dark isn't it?" The professor said to his son, "Yes son it is getting dark, very dark." 


Of course it was very dark for him. He said, "Daddy, I guess it's time for me to go to sleep isn't it?" 


He said, "Yes, son, it's time for you to go to sleep." 


The professor said the little fellow had a way of fixing his pillow just so, and putting his head on his hands when he slept and he fixed his pillow like that and laid his head on his hands and said, "Good night Daddy. I will see you in the morning." 


He then closed his eyes in death and stepped over into heaven. 


Dr. Criswell said the professor didn't say anymore after that. He just looked out the window of that airplane for a long time. 


Then he turned back and he looked at Dr Criswell with the scalding tears coming down his cheeks and he said, "Dr. Criswell, I can hardly wait till the morning." 


Let's face it... 


We will all face trials that will test our patience and faith in God. 


There will be times that we can't explain why we're going through such enormous pain. 


And the only thing that we can do in this situation is... 


...to stay strong in our faith in our creator. 


Keeping your eyes in God requires more time and serious commitment in reading His Words. Because faith is develop by regularly reading and meditating God's Word.